Katy Perry was featured in July *Vogue* and the author asked her about her marriage to Russell Brand. Tell me if this doesn’t sound SO familiar!
“At first when I met him he wanted and equal, and I think a lot of times strong men do want an equal, but then they get that equal and they’re like, I can’t handle the equalness. He didn’t like the atmosphere of me being the boss on tour. So that was really hurtful, and it was very controlling, which was upsetting.”
I’ve been reading *Lean In* and had just been reading about a conversation Sheryl had with Deborah Gruenfeld, a professor of leadership and organizational behavior at Stanford. Dr Gruenfeld commented “Our entrenched cultural ideas associate men with leadership qualities and women with nurturing qualities and put women in a double blind,” she said. “We believe not only that women are nurturuing, but that they SHOULD BE nurturing above all else. When a woman does anything that signals she might not be nice first and foremost, it creates a negative impression and makes us uncomfortable. “
Have you ever felt that dichotomy? I sometimes feel like I’ve spent my life trying to explain. Me and Lucy, we have “a lot of ‘splaining to do!” I spoke with a woman this weekend at a fundraiser for a fellow artist and she was talking about a friend who wouldn’t work for another woman. She hated the “emotional ups and downs.” My first response was “Well, I’m 60, so I’m WAY past the emotional ups and downs.” But the truth is that I work with almost all women and the only one who has trouble with emotional ups and downs is the guy we work with. He really struggles with emotional changes in his life and, maybe more importantly, DISLIKES them. I think his dislike for emotional upheaval makes him much less able to handle them.
It reminds me of the old argument about girls who dress provocatively are “asking for it.” There are still women out there who think we don’t KNOW about the hormonal changes that come with PMS? Or do they think we’re incapable of dealing with them? That’s what always strikes me about the “asking for it” argument.
I remember working with an older woman at a summer volunteer event in downtown Houston, about 10 years ago. As I’m sure you can imagine, summer volunteer events in Houston are blazingly hot. A young woman walked by in skimpy cutoffs and a bikini top and my colleague commented that she was asking for it. I had an epiphany. I told her I was surprised she had so little respect for men she honestly didn’t think they could control themselves at the sight of a girl in what is now almost a summer uniform. Heck, it was the summer uniform when I was in high school–short shorts and a bikini or halter top. Passing men are just going to throw us down on the ground because our backs and legs are naked? How do people manage to go to public swimming pools or beaches?
But almost 20 years after Deborah Tannen wrote *Talking from 9 to 5* we’re still worried about seeming nice.
Sheryl Sandberg comments “Most people, myself included, really want to be liked–and not just because it feels good. Being liked is also a key factor in both professional and personal success. A willingness to make an introduction or advocate for or promote someone depends upon having positive feelings about that person. We need to believe in her ability to do the job and get along with everyone while doing it.”
Sorry, but this whole discussion just brings up feelings of anguish for me. I find it excruciating. I own my business, so I don’t hesitate to make these comments, I have no one to impress for a promotion. But after the unexpected death of my husband, I was suddenly on the dating scene again at age 60, 20 years into running my business. I think Katy Perry’s right. Men say they want an equal, that they’re not intimidated by strong, accomplished women, then immediately start maneuvering into position. Not all men, certainly. I don’t want to sterotype any more than I want to be sterotyped.
But I want to quit worrying about it! I don’t want to have to keep defending my decisions because I don’t have a penis.
I remember–I think it was John Gray, of *Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus* fame who noted that when women come home from work and vent, men think–no, assume–that they need a solution, when all the need is the opportunity to vent! When a man comes home from work and vents, women are sympathetic and supportive. I say that because I work with mostly women, and I hear them say it all the time. And I see them supporting each other without giving advice.
I’m going to explore some more about Dr. Gruenfeld’s work. This is driving me crazy.